The Notkintook

Beware the day you go to sleep and the Notkintook awakens you. If you feel a tug on the sheets of your bed, clutch them tightly and play dead. Don dare to move to shiver or shake. Because the Notkintook will take you away. It crawls out from the shadows with a smile on his face. Because he know he is going to have lunch today.  Little Timmy did not believe, he laughed at his teacher when he misbehaved. She told him beware Timmy the Notkintook will want to play. At home he was rude loud and annoying. His momma also told him. Please Timmy behave. Because the Notkintook will want to play. Timmy laughed and laughed till he was blue. Not knowing that at night he would not know what to do.

As the color of the sky changed from blue to red to black. Timmy kicked the dog and bit the cat. He pulled his sisters hair and ran out of the bathroom bare. Timmy please behave because the Notkintook will want to play. Blah! said Timmy nothing scares me. I will punch him in the nose kick his ugly knees. As the evening wore on Timmy prepared for bed. Not knowing that in the morning he would be dead. Timmy its getting late. Turn off that phone, put that game away. Timmy didn’t listen he never did he just laughed at his mom until he fell asleep.

Three in the morning the moon cast its shadow as well as its light. Out came the Notkintook getting ready for his bite. He floated about silently as a ghost until he reached Timmy’s toes. He grinded his teeth sharpening for the night and he clawed the bed softly to fill Timmy with fright. Timmy opened his eyes wide awake for the screeches were scary and he thought to himself. What is that? Why am I scared? Then he remembered his teacher and his mother too. He wanted to cry, my what a fool. Stiff as a board he dare not move. He closed his eyes shut he dare not see. He knew were the Notkintook would be. And then he felt the tug. His sheets began to slowly slide down his chest…..down his waist…..down his thigh…down to his bare toes. Paralyzed by fright Timmy clenched his teeth tightened his eyes and then he felt it. It was on the bed. A wave of freezing cold air went through his body. and the bed sank slowly to the ground making a screeching sound.  Hot smelly air-filled his face and something slimy hit his cheek. Timmy couldn’t help it,  that was super gross,  he opened up one eye to see now Timmy is a ghost. So when you want to behave like a brat like you don’t even care.  Remember little Timmy and how he had to stare. So beware of the Notkintook and properly behave. Because he will come out and play.




As I sit here listening to this song. I feel the strength, the adrenaline rush through me.

For I know that I am a conqueror.

I have not given up.

I got handed a bag of lemons and I was able to do the sweetest creation.

For I will never give up.

Throw me a stone try to destroy me but you will fail.

For I am a conqueror. I do not give up.

While I live, I will fight, until I die.

I will make my children conquerors as well.

For they have seen the pain and the struggle of our daily lives.

A CONQUERING QUEEN that will not bow her head down to no one.

Only to God, for he has made me a conqueror.

I did not acquire this strength on my own.

I know that I have shed tears but tears of war.

I have shed tears of fear.

But my face has remained the same.


“life is like a merry go round.”

I truly agree.


And every time I have fallen on my face

I shake it off and get back up again.

I know that I will succeed.

I know that I will fight for what is right.

If you try to put your foot on my face,

careful because you could lose your balance and fall.

All because you are trying to bring me down.

But remember this you can try all you want,

But you will never succeed because…….



I wanted to write about this because this hit to hard to home. When I was younger I left my home for many reasons that maybe, just maybe, I might write about one day. But this concluded that I was alone with no help from any of my family members. Until years later. When my kids where 7 and 4 years old, I was homeless and living in my car. At that time I had a Ford Expedition. I was also unemployed, it had been a very hard year for me since I was not used to not working. I remembered I acquired a good amount of experience working and I had found an add in the paper for a supervisor position at Uneyway, a Day Program that took care of adults with disabilities in El Cajon, CA. I remembered I had asked my mother to take care of my kids and she had said she would. I should of known not to trust her (she was a drug addict at that time).

The day came of the interview and I woke up early and went to drop off my kids but she did not open the door. When she was on a good trip, she would lock herself inside her house and pretended not to be home. I began to panic. I did not want to blow this opportunity. I started to cry and my daughter asked me what was wrong. I told her that I was about to loose a very good opportunity thanks to their grandma and she told me in the sweetest voice. “Don’t worry mom, I’ll take care of my brother, just make the bed and we will lay down until you come back.” In that time I did not carry the third seat in the expedition because I would fold the second row of seats down and make a bed so we could sleep. Plus I had a game boy for my son to keep him busy so I thought, wait maybe this could work. My interview was early in the morning and the day was cool. I thought to myself that if I left the windows half way down and parked as close as possible I could probably pull it off. I was nervous. I put my car into gear and headed down from Spring Valley to El Cajon.

In a time like this you don’t think about the casualties of children that stay inside hot cars with all the windows rolled up. In a time like this all I could think about was “if I get this job we can get a place to stay and food.” I can buy my son the shoes that he needs since the ones that he had on had holes all over and one size too small.” Tears kept running down my face. I was so angry at my mom. She knew how important this was for me.

Finally, I arrived at my destination. There were only a few cars in the parking lot and right in front of the office was a parking. I thought to myself “SCORE”. I can keep an eye on them while I’m in there. My daughter at her young age told me that everything was going to be OK and I heard her scolding her little brother “you better listen to me or my mom can get in big trouble and go to jail. You don’t want her to go to jail? Do you?” and my son responded quietly “NO”. They laid down in the back and my daughter gave my son the game boy to play with. I pulled all the windows down half ways and took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

I walked into the small office, to my luck it had big windows that went all the way down to the ground with big white vertical blinds. I checked in with the old white lady at the front desk. She told me to take a seat and I stood close to the door and kept eyeing outside every chance that I could. When I got called I started breaking into a sweat and walked further inside where they proceeded to give me a tour of the place. She sounded interested in the fact that I had so much experience at my age. The tour couldn’t of lasted more than five minutes, but I felt it was for an eternity and we went into a small room adjacent to the entrance with the same kind of windows and blinds. The interview had then turned from one person to having three more people into the room. They sat me at the end of a long meeting type table and they sat close together just staring at me. Soon the questions that were being asked to me seemed very random. And I noticed that one of the lady’s was staring out the window. I turned to look and there was the old white lady from the front desk sticking her neck inside my vehicles window. I felt all hell rise inside me. How dare this women look inside my car. But then I thought oh my god maybe something is wrong with my kids. I jumped up and apologized to the interviewers and told them that I had to leave. I ran outside checked to see if my kids were fine and they were. My daughter told me that this woman heard my son laughing and she stuck her head inside the car. I told her not to worry and I drove back to the park in silence with my kids.

The following day my mother called and asked me if everything was fine. I told her yes no thanks to you. I noticed that she was not going to ague with me and asked her what she wanted. She told me that there was a woman at the door asking for my kids from the CPS department. The first thought was FUCK!!! My stupid ex husband must want something. It was not the first time that he or his girlfriends had called CPS on me. I drove to my mom’s house nervous as hell and wondered what could I have done wrong. When I arrived this older woman in her late 50’s was waiting inside my moms living room. She looked at me like if I was a piece of trash. She eyed balled me up and down. She asked me a couple of questions and then it hit me, she asked. “How many times do you leave your children unattended in your vehicle?” FUUUUCKKKK MEEEE!!! Son of a Bitch. Those fuckers had used my information from my application to find out where I supposedly resided and called CPS on my ass. I felt like a fucken criminal like I had done something horribly wrong. But all I had really done was look for a job to give my children a better life. I was crushed. I wanted to cry and scream at my mom but I swallowed everything because I was not going to give this bug eyed skinny Olivia looking lady the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

She then followed to speak to my son, (I was not aware that she had already been to my daughters school and had pulled my daughter out and spoke to her). She told my 4 year old son to pull up his shirt and asked how many times I would hit him. “This fucken bitch!” I thought. I envisioned in my mind me chocking her scrawny little neck and yelling at her “FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!!! Where the fuck are you when my kids are hungry or when we don’t have a place to stay!!!!” I turned at my son and smiled and told him “Tell her mijo. How many times do I hit you?” My son just looked at me and said “tu no me pegas mami.” (you don’t hit me mommy). I had told her everything that had happened and how I was doing what I was doing but still keeping an eye on them. The whole time my mother was quiet. the CPS worker then said she was going to write her report and that if she had any more questions that she was going to call me.

When the lady left, my mom was going to give me a speech but I walked out and jumped into my car and drove to my daughter’s school to pick her up. Not knowing that she was in the office already crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that a lady had pulled her out of class and spoke to her in the middle of the school court right were parents and kids passed and was asking her all these humiliating questions. I was so angry. How dare this women do this to my daughter. I pulled my daughter out of school that day. When I got inside the car I called the the place where I had had my interview and cussed the lady off so bad and thanked them for what they had done to me and my kids. I was angry and crying. They had no right. Who where they to judge me. Not everyone was born with a silver spoon in their platter. Some of us had to struggle to survive. But what did they know when they had a comfy job and income to support their families.

So Shanesha Taylor, Only you know your struggle. No one should judge you for that. Not everyone will understand what it is to leave a homeless life. Or have no help or support from family. I don’t know you but I have rode the same boat.



Well today was a day of giving I might say. You might not realize this but a smile can come a long way. Me I am not good in smiling. I guess it goes back to my really depressing kind of childhood. That is how my father raised us, to never trust anyone.  It always seemed weird because he could seem that nicest man and a lot of people liked him, but the moment that he turned around I would here all sorts of things come out of his mouth. He trusted no one no matter how friendly people where and even family he would tell us not to trust. He always said that people only looked for him for what they could get out of him but not because they really needed him.  But yet my father gave what little he had. He nagged for a while then he would say to himself, “Well they probably needed it more than I did.” I never understood what he meant until I grew up.

I never thought my father was right. As difficult as it was for me to swallow I saw how people that have come in to my life just leave. I might not hear from them for years and then one day they magically appear. And what makes matters worst is that the first words that come out of their mouth are “Hi, How are you, look can you do me a favor?”. This eventually got tiring and I started to keep away from people and me myself become judgmental. I began to nag about people asking me for things especially money but I have always hold true to myself that a person,  no matter what, should never be denied a cup of water or something to eat. And then the true tests came.

The day they stole my first car. I was very materialistic and trust me it hurt. I felt so angry that some bastard took my car out of all the nice cars that where on the block they had to steal my beat up ford escort station wagon. I remember crying because I felt like my world was over. But not realizing that its something material. I just couldn’t comprehend.

Then one day a knock came to my door, a little boy with an empty jar asking if we could spear some milk for his baby sister. He could be no older than 8 or 7 years old. They had planted themselves in an abandoned house in front of where I lived and his parents would go out to the dumpsters to find things that they could sell in the small  corner marts around Tijuana. I would see the neighbors how they would just stare them down and talk smack about them. Just because they where poor. The little kid got into the habit of coming over and at his short age he would offer to help around the house to make some money to help his parents out. Which I would tell him no and let him play with my kids instead.

Materialistic things.  I started learning slowly that none of this crap that we have in this world really matters. There are better things out there. I did not realize how blessed my house had become after we became acquainted with this family. Then it happened again my second car got stolen, I didn’t even have a month with the car and it was gone. Just like that. But somehow my attitude towards the situation changed. I remember hearing my significant other ranting and yelling and when he looked at me he tells me if I am not mad or if I was going to do something. Well I told him I was going to do something, we where going to report it to the authorities like always and let it go from there. Don’t take wrong. I was very upset but this time I did not show it or acted on it. Instead I prayed and thanked God for giving us life and protection of all evil. Things could of been much different but they weren’t.

I have then through the years have grabbed a bunch of clothes, shoes, food and all other items. And made bundles and once every year we go to places where their is the need for those items and give them away. And I hope that one day I will be able to open a living quarters for children in Mexico or place where disabled kids can live. But for that it’s going to take a while but I know that I can do it.

Now going back to today. As I was putting gas I was approached by an old man. I was in a rotten mood and was cussing a storm under my breath because the stupid gas station did not have change for a hundred dollar bill not even knowing how much gas I was going to put in my truck. So when he approached me. I was like “what do you want!” He looked towards his feet and said. “Sorry mam to bother you but can you change me these two ten pesos coins for two dollars I just need some gas to get back home.”  I knew I had two dollars in my car so I was going to do it. But in my mind I was thinking “What if he is going to use it for booze. Don’t give it to him he is probably some guy just asking for money. I will not support someones addiction.” But then another part of me said ” Don’t be a bitch, give the man some money you never know what situation he could be in.” So I looked down my wallet and I had two five dollar bills and a ten dollar bill. I couldn’t find the loose dollar bills. So I pulled out a five and handed it to him. He looked up and smiled and told me “God bless you, What is your name? I want to pray for you so God can bless you and your family” I told him my name and he offered the two ten pesos coins but I told him to keep them. Some how my mood had changed. I no longer felt that heaviness in my heart that I had felt that morning. And when I pulled away I saw that he was driving a brown car that had been parked alongside my truck and he was filling up.

Goodness! To Give is to be Blessed! Because the day we die we take nothing. Everything is material and will rott away just like our corpses. It’s our soul that needs to feel good for what we do, not for what we have or what we can take.  I am blessed.  I am not rich, but because of the love that I have from my family I am richer than anyone and this is something that no thief can take away.


Remember Me

Chapter 1

I can’t begin to explain how I feel. All I can  feel is the throbbing pain in back of my head. As I opened my eyes things began to clear up. I was in a big bathroom stall laying in the ground, how much time had elapsed, well that I don’t really know. It couldn’t have been hours, I think someone might had walked in already. Wow, the smell in these stalls are horrible. Just by looking around me  I could see that these grimy walls had not been cleaned for a long while and the writing on the walls were very vulgar. But what was I doing here. I sat up slowly putting my left hand behind my head. Yep a bump as big as a quarter had swelled up just behind my head.  But what was I doing here. Where was I going? But most important who the hell am I. This can’t be who the hell forgets who they are. Questions began to invade my body all at once  Who am I? What is my name? Am I alone? Do I have a family? I got up from the floor still feeling kind of dizzy still wondering, what happened to me? My confusion was beginning to transform into anger. This couldn’t be happening to me. I had to know something at one point. Suddenly a  woman big in size, walked into the bathroom, you could tell she enjoyed food. She had on some white fisher pants with a t-shirt two sizes too small. I guess people feel awkward in bathrooms because she put her head down as she walked into the second stall.

This grimy bathroom had three bathrooms. Two small and one big one for wheelchair access, the one I woke up in. I turned towards the mirror and opened the silver,  half rusty, faucet. I ran my hands under the water and felt the wetness between my fingers. I grabbed a paper towel that was in a dispenser on my right side and let the cold icy water run through the paper towel. I rinsed it off just a little bit. And put it in the bump. It hurt. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was about five foot four with light brown skin. My eyes are brown and I look like about I’m about 28 years old. How did I come up with that conclusion, well my tits look perky well not that saggy and not that pointy just firm. And my butt felt firm also. Well by the looks on the mirror it looked I also enjoyed food. I could easily weigh a good two hundred pounds.

The putrid smell of a mixture of rotten eggs and shit that was coming out of stall two interrupted my self-examination. What ever this lady ate it smelled like it had sat in her stomach and rotted away for a good year or two. A loud but kind of squizzed in fart sound came out of stall two. Oh my God I’m getting sick to my stomach  I startled myself as I hear the latch from stall two begin to open. I look down at the faucet like a punished ten-year old and out of the corner of my eye I see the woman emerging from the restroom. She was a good two or three inches taller than me but also a good hefty  fifty pounds heavier than me. She washed her hand for a good ten second and dried them up. And backed up from the sink turned and walked away. Just for an instance the woman turned to the mirror and looked at me like if she wanted to say something and all I could do is the barbecue stain on her chin.

I returned to myself examination. I was wearing blue jeans and black and white dressy top my black flats made a good combination to my clothes. I unzipped my pant and looked to see what kind of panties I was wearing. White. I zipped my pants back up before someone else would walk in and thought I was some weirdo doing something indecent. I looked under my shirt a lace white bra. Nice i colored coordinated my undergarments. I ran my hands slowly down my stomach thinking “Man, I need to get in a diet” when I felt it a scar just bellow my belly button. It was at least a good six inches long. I had a kid!! I was someones mom. But who. I didn’t even know who I was! My head started spinning again…..this is too much…..

Sandy was 12 years old and sitting a chair eating her fries very slowly. She felt kind of odd being alone in the table having to watch her baby brother. Little Jonny was jumping up and down and screaming “I want Momma! I want Momma!”  The only way she could get him to shut up was to give him a fry every once in a while and now the fries were running kind of low. She began to question where was her mom. She had been in the bathroom for a good hour now and there was no sign of her. Well, she knew better not to bother her when she was in the bathroom. The people seating around in the other tables of the dinner just stared at her and her bouncing brother.  Sandy started to feel scared  for some reason she felt like something was not right but didn’t know what it was. She didn’t even want to come to this trip. Right now she could of been at home, in her room, playing her favorite song while she painted her toenails all different colors. She wonder how her friend Adriana was and if she had gone to the school dance. She was still feeling angry at her mother for not letting her go just because they had to visit grandpa here in Arizona.

Just then she heard the bathroom door open and out walked Sandy’s mother. For some reason she looked different.  Sandy’s mom looked like if she had seen a ghost. She looked very very lost.