A Different Kind of Love

Last night I spoke with my heart.

See, we have not been in tune for a while.

It had been occupied for more than 15 years.

It belonged to someone else.

Actually it mostly belonged to him.

But I was not happy.

I could not make my heart understand what my eyes saw,
what my gut felt.

But my heart was happy.

But when finally we had the courage to tell my heart enough is enough.

“Can’t you see how many times you have shattered.?”

“Can’t you see how many times you have been broken?”

“Look around you heart, my eyes are red and tired from the countless nights of no sleep. Look at gut see how churned up he is because of the nerves. Look at brain stressed for the countless fights and the countless thoughts. Heart you have to let go. One day you will shatter and we wont be able to repair you again.”

Finally my heart decided to follow the rest and painfully said goodbye.

I thought it was the end.

I thought that we would all finally sync up and be happy.

But then my heart began to feel sad.

Everyone else was happy. But not my heart.

One day my heart said it saw something beautiful.

It made him feel all warm and happy.

My heart saw your soul.

The most pure and beautiful thing.

My heart was no longer sad when you are around.

But my eyes did not see what heart saw.

Nor did gut feel all twisty and bent.

My brain was against it and does not think it possible.

But my heart was happy.

It ignored what everyone else thought.

It saw right through you.

It saw your soul.

Your soul, is kind and bright.

No matter what, it makes my heart feel loved and cared for.

Just because your there.

Not like the others.


My heart feels special for some reason.

He makes us feel special.

My heart is in love.

This love is unlike any other.

Its a different kind of love.



She’s Hurt

At night she sits, with tears in her eyes.

Recounting the events, that play in her head.

But why does she cry?

How can it be that the love can be so painful.

Love was beautiful, love was ecstasy.

Not screams in the night or arguments, fights.

She relives her mothers life.

How did she get here, what did she do wrong?

She’s hurt.

Blood slowly trickles from her forehead,

As the tears stream down her face.

He was angry, She was wrong.

She’s hurt

Trying to think what to do differently,

trying to think how to make him happy.

She’s hurt.

Part of her wants to run,

Part of her wants to stay.

She’s hurt

“I’ll run to mom”

but she will tell her to stay.

“I’ll run to my friends.”

but they will take him away.

She’s hurt.

Not knowing that love is not suppose to hurt.

Not knowing that she can move on.

Not knowing she don’t need him by her side.

She’s hurt.

Not knowing her greatest weakness,

can be her greatest strength.

Not knowing she can get up and leave.

Not knowing that love is not lived that way.

Just knowing that she has to stay.

She’s hurt.

Knowing it’s going to happen again.

Knowing he’s not going to change.

Deep in her heart she wants that to be a lie.

Knowing she can potentially die.

Knowing she is alone.

Knowing that there is no love at home.

She’s hurt.

Her tears stream like rivers down her cheeks, mixing with sweat and blood.

She’s hurt.

Dear Lord if she only knew,

that you where by her side.

That your hand was stretched out waiting for her to take it.

That you could give her the strength to survive.

That she can stay alive. but…

She’s hurt.

Her strength is gone,

Her heart shattered to pieces.

The bruises, cover her body, cover her soul.

She is broken.









You torment me in my dreams…..

I have want to walk away,
But there you remain.
A sheer memory of what you are.
The love of my life.
The one that made my heart race,
with a very simple smile.
The one who made me feel,
like I was walking on a cloud.
I have never felt this love for someone else,
even though I tried.
For many years I put you aside
not understanding what you felt.
But i knew deep inside of me,
I did not want love of second hand.
I wanted a true love,
unconditional love.
But i did not believe you could give that,
So I walked away.
Not knowing how much I messed up.
I was never sure, you never told me.
I hate this feeling, I hate it I do.
Why did it have to be you?
But you have remained there,
through my stupidness,
through my downs,
through my ups.
Away, but you have been there.
I felt, that I did not deserve your love.
For me your love was pure.
And knowing how I was,
I did not want to taint it.
I came from a family that did not teach me,
what love is.
And you have a family.
They love you.
I hated everyone,
But I didn’t hate you.
How was I going to love you?
If I didn’t even love myself.
I cry at times wishing I was with you,
I wish I can feel your hugs your kisses again.
The way you looked at me,
the way you touched me.
I still remember I will always remember.
No mater how much I want to forget,
your memory haunts me til this day.

The Roads

My life on the road has never been any better. I guess growing up with so much negativity in my life I honestly thought I was going to end up going down a very dark road. I realized how wrong I was when I came to a fork in the road. It wasn’t a two-way road it was divided in different shapes aimagesnd sizes and colors. Let me tell you what I saw…

I saw a BLACK road. I was able to see far enough down the road even though it was dark. When I came to its entrance, it made me feel full of hatred. It welcomed me with open arms. I had learned hatred from a very young age. I experienced the hate from family because I was not their child. I felt hate when my father hit me because he as mad at his wife. I hated her, she destroyed my life. As I got older I hated people. They also hated me. I was rude and obnoxious. I hated everything, I hated everyone especially when they turned their back on me. I felt myself drifting further into the entrance. I still harbor so much hate but I have to wait.

Then there was the BLUE road. I really didn’t like the blue road. Even though it welcomed me with open arms. It made me want to cry and I didn’t want to cry. I cried when I was born. I cried when they yelled at me. I cried when they told me I was fat.I cried when my sister and grandma died. I cried when I was humiliated by my ex husband when he would cheat on me because I wasn’t good enough. I cried when my ex boyfriend beat me because I didn’t use drugs enough. I cried when my daughter had her baby because I thought she was going to die. I cried when I almost died. I have cried and cried and cried. I don’t want to cry no more.

Then I saw the GREEN road it also welcomed me with opened arms.  But I did not like what I saw. I wanted everything about it but I couldn’t have it. I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t. I wanted to have money and it floated around me and others got rich and I didn’t. Everyone else got love and I didn’t. What was the point of going down this road if I couldn’t get what I wanted. The next one was no better…

The road was RED it was full of evil. It shook me to the core.  I saw blood in the entrance it went as far as I could see.  It made me feel like I was going crazy. Crazy. Things in the dark creeped up and around and made me feel like I was going to die. It haunted me in my sleep it as well as in the day. I even saw the dead. No really they were dead. I saw myself as I laid in a hospital bed. No this road I definitely did not want to go there. As I walked to the next road an arm came out and began to pull me inside. I wanted to scream but no scream came out. I closed my eyes and when I opened them…..

I saw the YELLOW road. No not the yellow brick road. It was yellow. It had chickens running around it clucking me to enter. I immediately got scared I knew I could walk in but I didn’t want to. Something held me back. Just like when my mom left and left us with my dad. Just like when I was approached and threatened to get my ass bet by two older girls. Just like when  I saw the fear in my daughters eyes, when we got hit by a car and she was eight months pregnant. Just like when I found out that she was pregnant. No this road made me feel like I wanted to pee, so I turned to the next road…….

A PINK road, there was a joyousness in this road. I was happy. Just like when I got my first kiss. When I heard the first cry of my daughter. When I heard the first cry of my son. When I heard the first cry of my granddaughter. A joy when I finally decided to leave the only place that I knew as home. The joy of just watching my grand-daughter play and laugh. The joy I feel when she calls me mum. So much joy definitely the way to go. But then I saw….

The WHITE the road was white. I’ll be damned it was white. Very peaceful. Spiritually you may say. How I felt after I gave birth. How I felt like I went and asked God to forgive me for everything bad I had done. God, yes I said God. I believe in a higher power and a pure higher power. I believe in him because without him that road would not be white it would be splattered with red…..

I decided to make up my mind. I closed my eyes and thought very hard. I had to make a good decision, this road, I was going to travel for the rest of my life. I had to think nice and hard because crying so much would depress me and hating so much would kill me. I couldn’t be smiling all the time either. Can you imagine? I would die looking like the joker. I couldn’t make up my mind so I thought I’m going to eenie miniee mynee mo this shit. What else could I do? I opened my eyes and the roads were gone. They were no longer in front of me,they were now in back of me. I had traveled the roads already. As I turned back around the roads had no color. I began to walk forward, I saw my steps left colored prints. Sometimes black, sometime blue, red, yellow, pink, and even purple. At times I saw no color. No Color at all.

So you call yourself my mother.

So call yourself my mother.

But you can not really be my mother.

Years passed without you.

Yet you expect for one to pounce at the sight of you.

Out of all things, i learned respect,

because you are my “mother”.

But are you my mother.

You walked away from my life, blaming others.

You blame me for being like my dad.

How was I suppose to be like you if you were not there.

Your drugs were more important than your kids.

But somehow you manage to help others.

I see my friends mothers,

they act different than you. 

They love their kids and boast about their kids;

and you;

you can’t wait to talk shit about your kids.

There is always something wrong with us,

we pay no mind to you.

But where were you when we needed you.

I tried, i honestly tried but I can not call you mother.

A person who talks shit about their grandkids but praise other kids

can not carry the title of a mother.

Than you cry because you feel alone,

I wonder why?

You talk about the hurt that is being done to you,

but yet you hurt the ones that you are suppose to love and love you.

Yeah keep calling yourself a mother.

If that is what is going to make you happy,

But get one thing straight you have never been my mother.

Like Yesterday

When I think of the time me and you where together,

I remember it like yesterday.

Even after time has passed,

I remember it like if it was yesterday.

I often wonder and ask myself why?

Why have these feelings that will never die, inside.

I wish you only knew what my heart really feels,

for when I see or hear you I feel like if I was fifteen.

But all of this was  yesterday.

I distance myself so I won’t feel the pain,

but I find myself traveling to yesterday.

As the years go by and the time comes and goes,

I keep loving you like if it was only yesterday.

I sometimes feel odd, 

for feeling like this.

Because out of the blue comes a memory,

that brings me true bliss.

But all that was in yesterday.

Yesterday was designed to hold things from the past,

But yet those things are not forgotten.

For the kiss on your lips feel like if it was just yesterday,

when it happened.

The feel of your touch your hands over mine,

bring chills down my spine and an urge for it to happen.

But yesterday has left,

it is dead, it is gone.

You might never understand,

what I will always feel inside,

And the fact that you hold my heart.

Like if I had just given it to you, yesterday.

And even though we are living in today………………

My mind will always travel,

and it will never forget yesterday. 



What is LOVE? I sometimes ask myself that question.

Why do so many say they LOVE, but treat each other like crap.

To me LOVE has one meaning. But in order to LOVE

Don’t you have to LOVE yourself first?

If you have no LOVE for yourself,

What makes you think that some one else is going to LOVE you?

What makes you think that you are going to LOVE back?

If you can’t even LOVE yourself.

LOVE. Sometimes confused with SEX.

Just because you spread your legs, it means he LOVES you.

How many more legs did he spread before yours?

How many have you spread your legs to?

Wanting to feel a little bit of love.

But it’s not LOVE. It’s SEX.

How can you LOVE if you have no respect?

You don’t respect yourself, let alone who created you.

You act like you know everything.

But don’t know a damn thing about respect, about LOVE.

You put a man or woman before your children and you say you LOVE them.

Yet your kids are feeling unloved because that man or woman is receiving your LOVE.

Yet you claim to say you feel love.

LOVE is free. There is no chaining it down.

So if your man or woman says that he or she LOVES you,

But is always acting jealous or overly possessive.

That is not LOVE. That is an OBSESSION.

Love will and I repeat WILL conquer all.

Because if you treat an unloved person with love,

you will see the change withing that person.

But if you hang on to hate and disrespect.

That is all you will have in your life.

Now in our times, in this cruel and empty generation.

You don’t see LOVE, you see LUST.

IT’s a shame that not a lot of people comprehend love,

or understand how easy it is to obtain its power,

such peace, such humility.

LOVE do you know about it?

Or pretend to have it?

Is it in between your legs?

Or does your tongue spit it out, like a snake spits out venom?

Learn to LOVE because true LOVE comes from deep withing the heart.