The Roads

My life on the road has never been any better. I guess growing up with so much negativity in my life I honestly thought I was going to end up going down a very dark road. I realized how wrong I was when I came to a fork in the road. It wasn’t a two-way road it was divided in different shapes aimagesnd sizes and colors. Let me tell you what I saw…

I saw a BLACK road. I was able to see far enough down the road even though it was dark. When I came to its entrance, it made me feel full of hatred. It welcomed me with open arms. I had learned hatred from a very young age. I experienced the hate from family because I was not their child. I felt hate when my father hit me because he as mad at his wife. I hated her, she destroyed my life. As I got older I hated people. They also hated me. I was rude and obnoxious. I hated everything, I hated everyone especially when they turned their back on me. I felt myself drifting further into the entrance. I still harbor so much hate but I have to wait.

Then there was the BLUE road. I really didn’t like the blue road. Even though it welcomed me with open arms. It made me want to cry and I didn’t want to cry. I cried when I was born. I cried when they yelled at me. I cried when they told me I was fat.I cried when my sister and grandma died. I cried when I was humiliated by my ex husband when he would cheat on me because I wasn’t good enough. I cried when my ex boyfriend beat me because I didn’t use drugs enough. I cried when my daughter had her baby because I thought she was going to die. I cried when I almost died. I have cried and cried and cried. I don’t want to cry no more.

Then I saw the GREEN road it also welcomed me with opened arms.  But I did not like what I saw. I wanted everything about it but I couldn’t have it. I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t. I wanted to have money and it floated around me and others got rich and I didn’t. Everyone else got love and I didn’t. What was the point of going down this road if I couldn’t get what I wanted. The next one was no better…

The road was RED it was full of evil. It shook me to the core.  I saw blood in the entrance it went as far as I could see.  It made me feel like I was going crazy. Crazy. Things in the dark creeped up and around and made me feel like I was going to die. It haunted me in my sleep it as well as in the day. I even saw the dead. No really they were dead. I saw myself as I laid in a hospital bed. No this road I definitely did not want to go there. As I walked to the next road an arm came out and began to pull me inside. I wanted to scream but no scream came out. I closed my eyes and when I opened them…..

I saw the YELLOW road. No not the yellow brick road. It was yellow. It had chickens running around it clucking me to enter. I immediately got scared I knew I could walk in but I didn’t want to. Something held me back. Just like when my mom left and left us with my dad. Just like when I was approached and threatened to get my ass bet by two older girls. Just like when  I saw the fear in my daughters eyes, when we got hit by a car and she was eight months pregnant. Just like when I found out that she was pregnant. No this road made me feel like I wanted to pee, so I turned to the next road…….

A PINK road, there was a joyousness in this road. I was happy. Just like when I got my first kiss. When I heard the first cry of my daughter. When I heard the first cry of my son. When I heard the first cry of my granddaughter. A joy when I finally decided to leave the only place that I knew as home. The joy of just watching my grand-daughter play and laugh. The joy I feel when she calls me mum. So much joy definitely the way to go. But then I saw….

The WHITE the road was white. I’ll be damned it was white. Very peaceful. Spiritually you may say. How I felt after I gave birth. How I felt like I went and asked God to forgive me for everything bad I had done. God, yes I said God. I believe in a higher power and a pure higher power. I believe in him because without him that road would not be white it would be splattered with red…..

I decided to make up my mind. I closed my eyes and thought very hard. I had to make a good decision, this road, I was going to travel for the rest of my life. I had to think nice and hard because crying so much would depress me and hating so much would kill me. I couldn’t be smiling all the time either. Can you imagine? I would die looking like the joker. I couldn’t make up my mind so I thought I’m going to eenie miniee mynee mo this shit. What else could I do? I opened my eyes and the roads were gone. They were no longer in front of me,they were now in back of me. I had traveled the roads already. As I turned back around the roads had no color. I began to walk forward, I saw my steps left colored prints. Sometimes black, sometime blue, red, yellow, pink, and even purple. At times I saw no color. No Color at all.

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GOODNESS

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Well today was a day of giving I might say. You might not realize this but a smile can come a long way. Me I am not good in smiling. I guess it goes back to my really depressing kind of childhood. That is how my father raised us, to never trust anyone.  It always seemed weird because he could seem that nicest man and a lot of people liked him, but the moment that he turned around I would here all sorts of things come out of his mouth. He trusted no one no matter how friendly people where and even family he would tell us not to trust. He always said that people only looked for him for what they could get out of him but not because they really needed him.  But yet my father gave what little he had. He nagged for a while then he would say to himself, “Well they probably needed it more than I did.” I never understood what he meant until I grew up.

I never thought my father was right. As difficult as it was for me to swallow I saw how people that have come in to my life just leave. I might not hear from them for years and then one day they magically appear. And what makes matters worst is that the first words that come out of their mouth are “Hi, How are you, look can you do me a favor?”. This eventually got tiring and I started to keep away from people and me myself become judgmental. I began to nag about people asking me for things especially money but I have always hold true to myself that a person,  no matter what, should never be denied a cup of water or something to eat. And then the true tests came.

The day they stole my first car. I was very materialistic and trust me it hurt. I felt so angry that some bastard took my car out of all the nice cars that where on the block they had to steal my beat up ford escort station wagon. I remember crying because I felt like my world was over. But not realizing that its something material. I just couldn’t comprehend.

Then one day a knock came to my door, a little boy with an empty jar asking if we could spear some milk for his baby sister. He could be no older than 8 or 7 years old. They had planted themselves in an abandoned house in front of where I lived and his parents would go out to the dumpsters to find things that they could sell in the small  corner marts around Tijuana. I would see the neighbors how they would just stare them down and talk smack about them. Just because they where poor. The little kid got into the habit of coming over and at his short age he would offer to help around the house to make some money to help his parents out. Which I would tell him no and let him play with my kids instead.

Materialistic things.  I started learning slowly that none of this crap that we have in this world really matters. There are better things out there. I did not realize how blessed my house had become after we became acquainted with this family. Then it happened again my second car got stolen, I didn’t even have a month with the car and it was gone. Just like that. But somehow my attitude towards the situation changed. I remember hearing my significant other ranting and yelling and when he looked at me he tells me if I am not mad or if I was going to do something. Well I told him I was going to do something, we where going to report it to the authorities like always and let it go from there. Don’t take wrong. I was very upset but this time I did not show it or acted on it. Instead I prayed and thanked God for giving us life and protection of all evil. Things could of been much different but they weren’t.

I have then through the years have grabbed a bunch of clothes, shoes, food and all other items. And made bundles and once every year we go to places where their is the need for those items and give them away. And I hope that one day I will be able to open a living quarters for children in Mexico or place where disabled kids can live. But for that it’s going to take a while but I know that I can do it.

Now going back to today. As I was putting gas I was approached by an old man. I was in a rotten mood and was cussing a storm under my breath because the stupid gas station did not have change for a hundred dollar bill not even knowing how much gas I was going to put in my truck. So when he approached me. I was like “what do you want!” He looked towards his feet and said. “Sorry mam to bother you but can you change me these two ten pesos coins for two dollars I just need some gas to get back home.”  I knew I had two dollars in my car so I was going to do it. But in my mind I was thinking “What if he is going to use it for booze. Don’t give it to him he is probably some guy just asking for money. I will not support someones addiction.” But then another part of me said ” Don’t be a bitch, give the man some money you never know what situation he could be in.” So I looked down my wallet and I had two five dollar bills and a ten dollar bill. I couldn’t find the loose dollar bills. So I pulled out a five and handed it to him. He looked up and smiled and told me “God bless you, What is your name? I want to pray for you so God can bless you and your family” I told him my name and he offered the two ten pesos coins but I told him to keep them. Some how my mood had changed. I no longer felt that heaviness in my heart that I had felt that morning. And when I pulled away I saw that he was driving a brown car that had been parked alongside my truck and he was filling up.

Goodness! To Give is to be Blessed! Because the day we die we take nothing. Everything is material and will rott away just like our corpses. It’s our soul that needs to feel good for what we do, not for what we have or what we can take.  I am blessed.  I am not rich, but because of the love that I have from my family I am richer than anyone and this is something that no thief can take away.