My life on the road has never been any better. I guess growing up with so much negativity in my life I honestly thought I was going to end up going down a very dark road. I realized how wrong I was when I came to a fork in the road. It wasn’t a two-way road it was divided in different shapes and sizes and colors. Let me tell you what I saw…
I saw a BLACK road. I was able to see far enough down the road even though it was dark. When I came to its entrance, it made me feel full of hatred. It welcomed me with open arms. I had learned hatred from a very young age. I experienced the hate from family because I was not their child. I felt hate when my father hit me because he as mad at his wife. I hated her, she destroyed my life. As I got older I hated people. They also hated me. I was rude and obnoxious. I hated everything, I hated everyone especially when they turned their back on me. I felt myself drifting further into the entrance. I still harbor so much hate but I have to wait.
Then there was the BLUE road. I really didn’t like the blue road. Even though it welcomed me with open arms. It made me want to cry and I didn’t want to cry. I cried when I was born. I cried when they yelled at me. I cried when they told me I was fat.I cried when my sister and grandma died. I cried when I was humiliated by my ex husband when he would cheat on me because I wasn’t good enough. I cried when my ex boyfriend beat me because I didn’t use drugs enough. I cried when my daughter had her baby because I thought she was going to die. I cried when I almost died. I have cried and cried and cried. I don’t want to cry no more.
Then I saw the GREEN road it also welcomed me with opened arms. But I did not like what I saw. I wanted everything about it but I couldn’t have it. I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t. I wanted to have money and it floated around me and others got rich and I didn’t. Everyone else got love and I didn’t. What was the point of going down this road if I couldn’t get what I wanted. The next one was no better…
The road was RED it was full of evil. It shook me to the core. I saw blood in the entrance it went as far as I could see. It made me feel like I was going crazy. Crazy. Things in the dark creeped up and around and made me feel like I was going to die. It haunted me in my sleep it as well as in the day. I even saw the dead. No really they were dead. I saw myself as I laid in a hospital bed. No this road I definitely did not want to go there. As I walked to the next road an arm came out and began to pull me inside. I wanted to scream but no scream came out. I closed my eyes and when I opened them…..
I saw the YELLOW road. No not the yellow brick road. It was yellow. It had chickens running around it clucking me to enter. I immediately got scared I knew I could walk in but I didn’t want to. Something held me back. Just like when my mom left and left us with my dad. Just like when I was approached and threatened to get my ass bet by two older girls. Just like when I saw the fear in my daughters eyes, when we got hit by a car and she was eight months pregnant. Just like when I found out that she was pregnant. No this road made me feel like I wanted to pee, so I turned to the next road…….
A PINK road, there was a joyousness in this road. I was happy. Just like when I got my first kiss. When I heard the first cry of my daughter. When I heard the first cry of my son. When I heard the first cry of my granddaughter. A joy when I finally decided to leave the only place that I knew as home. The joy of just watching my grand-daughter play and laugh. The joy I feel when she calls me mum. So much joy definitely the way to go. But then I saw….
The WHITE the road was white. I’ll be damned it was white. Very peaceful. Spiritually you may say. How I felt after I gave birth. How I felt like I went and asked God to forgive me for everything bad I had done. God, yes I said God. I believe in a higher power and a pure higher power. I believe in him because without him that road would not be white it would be splattered with red…..
I decided to make up my mind. I closed my eyes and thought very hard. I had to make a good decision, this road, I was going to travel for the rest of my life. I had to think nice and hard because crying so much would depress me and hating so much would kill me. I couldn’t be smiling all the time either. Can you imagine? I would die looking like the joker. I couldn’t make up my mind so I thought I’m going to eenie miniee mynee mo this shit. What else could I do? I opened my eyes and the roads were gone. They were no longer in front of me,they were now in back of me. I had traveled the roads already. As I turned back around the roads had no color. I began to walk forward, I saw my steps left colored prints. Sometimes black, sometime blue, red, yellow, pink, and even purple. At times I saw no color. No Color at all.